It Gets Better

My shoes are brown, with black rubber souls and small suede laces. They still look like new. There was a time when I stopped wearing them. In 2013, I experienced a particularly severe case of social anxiety and depression. It was so bad that I had to drop out of college. Each day was a brand-new, gushing wave of discomfort. I barely ever left my room at home. At the time, I had no need for my leather shoes, and the idea of things getting better seemed like lunacy.

I tried everything. My parents tried everything. Nothing worked. I was depressed, anxious, and alone, even as I was surrounded by loved ones. My leather shoes were novelty objects which were only worn on rare occasions, if at all.

Months passed. I didn’t leave the house, I couldn’t interact with my family effectively, and I was very down. I was desperate and in desperation. I had everyone, yet I felt that I had no one. I told no one my secrets, further isolating myself. This was, no doubt, a very bad period in my life.

What I didn’t know then, which I know now, is that things get better. At the time, one thought helped me out. The thought was this: love is surely a beautiful thing. I was and am so fortunate to love and be loved.

During this time, I was presented with a choice. What should I do with my life? How could I get better? You can ask anyone who knows me: I can be famously driven. As soon as I vowed to rebuild my life, things started to improve for me.

I was still afraid at times to socialize with other people. I came out as gay to my parents on my twenty-first birthday, by writing them a carefully crafted letter. They embraced me, figuratively and literally. Finally, I had a realization, which enabled me to get better: I stopped caring so much about what other people thought of me. My self-esteem improved after this point. I gradually started to let people, especially my family, back into my life.

I improved very drastically, but unfortunately, this improvement proved to be short-lived. As I got better, I thought that I could abandon my support system, the same system that had helped me heal. It was a classic example of “it’s working so well that we don’t need it any more.” Of course, because of the exact fact that something helps me means that it is essential, and not dispensable.

At this time, I experienced another low point in my life. You see, my crucial error was believing that no one truly cared about how I was doing. I was, of course, incredibly wrong. I remember wanting to get away; I again pushed the people who loved me away and out of my life.

I was, as I said, not in my right mind.

They say that the most traumatic of memories can be forgotten, probably because I didn’t want to remember them. One particularly bad thought at the time occurred to me: I might never go to college again. My dreams were crushed, and so was my future.

Then something began to happen. Things started to get better, for good this time. People could hear and understand me again. It was like coming back from the dead. I was back from the brink. I was encouraged by every success, and each success gave me more confidence that I could fully recover.

I realized that my friends and family truly loved me. Love is all around me, and it is powerful. It is what healed me.

But back to my recovery. Life became exponentially better for me very quickly. I enrolled at community college, joined Toastmasters, and went regularly to therapy. All of these commitments dramatically improved my self-confidence.

I have made mistakes over the course of my life, but each one has had a silver lining. I always try to see sliver linings—they are everywhere. The future is bright. I am more happy and content today than I have ever been.

In August of 2015, I was able to do what was once impossible: I re-enrolled at Occidental College full-time. I had, and still have, my entire support system behind me, and with all that, I can never really go too far astray. There was a time when I never thought I would ever return to Oxy. There was also a time when I thought that I would never wear my favorite pair of shoes ever again.

I’m here to tell you that it gets better. Over the past few years, I have learned a lot. I have never felt this good before. I am so supported, and I am so fulfilled. I cannot help but think back to that time when I made that choice, the choice to face my problems. It was the best choice that I have ever made. It always gets better, even if you can’t quite yet visualize it doing so. Change your imagination; try to visualize that option. Changing one’s thoughts changes the chemistry of one’s brain, and these changes are powerful.

I am proud to say that I now wear those shoes of mine almost every day. I am wearing them right now, as I write this. They are a constant reminder for me that things get better. I am a different person today than I was before. I just wish that I could go back to the old me who was troubled and distraught and just tell him that it gets better. Because it does. You just need to stay around long enough for big changes to happen; in fact, you need to make them happen. The bad times, I have noticed, always have an expiration date. You create that date.

Life is a beautiful thing, and not a day goes by without me realizing what a miracle it is simply to be alive.

As I write this piece today, I realize just how far I have come. Each day, I simply hope for the best and try my hardest, and I constantly remember that, no matter what happens, it always gets better.